180: Your Small Beliefs That Aliente People
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We all develop our belief systems based on our past experiences. Sometimes our experiences lead us to healthy beliefs that nurture our growth and sometimes they lead us down negative paths that prevent growth. How we deal with our belief systems will determine how we interact with others. Will it develop a healthy relationship, or will it breakdown a healthy relationship?
One of the best examples we can give about learning from a past experience and developing a belief system is the “fire is hot” learning method. A child is told not to play with matches because it will burn them. The child doesn’t believe and starts lighting matches. Eventually the child lets the match burn in their fingers for too long and its fingers get burned. That child then starts to develop a belief based on the experience of having been burned. Next time there are matches nearby, they will be less likely to play with them because they are afraid of getting burned. While painful, this is a healthy belief system.
Another example is a man who has a relationship and the girlfriend cheats on him. He had a very painful experience and develops a lack of trust in his future relationships. This lack of trust, though based on a painful experience, isn’t a healthy belief system. While all fire is hot, not all people will cheat. The lack of trust in a relationship will eventually drive a wedge between the two people causing them to have difficulties in communication and could even lead to the end of the relationship. Both this, and the example of the child above are examples of belief systems developed based on a fear of being hurt.
There is also a belief system based on the fear of looking foolish. We see examples of this everywhere we go. There is no greater example than the current political climate. People will develop beliefs based on their own personal values and end up moving into an echo chamber because they are afraid to challenge their beliefs. Rather than talk to someone with a differing view than their own, they will start to only interact with people and things that support their own belief systems. The resulting echo chamber leaves you stagnant and growth is prevented. It is healthy to challenge your belief systems because it breeds critical thinking and helps you find solutions to complex problems. If all you do is propose ideas to a bunch of “Yes Men,” you will get a ton of support from people just like you but will reduce the probability of success in your life. You also end up shunning the people who disagree with you, but otherwise would be great friends to have.
Belief systems can be healthy but if you allow them to take root in the wrong areas of your life for the wrong reasons, your growth will be limited, and your relationships can suffer. Take the time to journal. Journaling forces you to think about what you are writing. You are forced to slow your thoughts down long enough to write them out on paper. It also helps you organize your feelings and dig down to the root of why you believe what you believe. I have spoken in the past of my anger journal that I used to get over my anger issues. I would write out my feelings and then ask myself why I feel that way. I ask myself that same question for the same situation 3 times so that I am sure to get beyond the surface level answers. i.e. I feel angry about “X.” Why do I feel angry about “X?” Because “X” hurt me. Why did “X” hurt me enough to get angry? Because I believe this to be true. Why do I believe that to be true? Because I experienced this with “Y” in the past.
Journaling can help you see where your logic is faulty, and your feelings may be skewed. It can help you clear up the mess in your emotional thoughts and removes the excuses you build for yourself. Probably the most effective way to learning how your belief systems were developed will be in journaling. It will also help you see how much you have grown when you go back through your old journals to see where you were in comparison to where you are. Don’t let your beliefs prevent you from having healthy relationships by alienating others. Analyze your beliefs, know why you believe the way you do, and keep an open mind to listen to differing beliefs. You will have stronger relationships for it.
